In a startling public statement, Patrick McDarnagle of Hinsdale, Illinois announced that he could eat the massive burger being prepared in the Production Plus shop–and would, if given the opportunity.

Patrick McDarnagle, caught by a surveillance camera at Production Plus wearing his signature camouflage, apparently infiltrated the Pro Plus compound in the middle of the day and learned of the extra large burger.

“It ain’t that big,” growled McDarnagle, 54 year old veteran eater.  “I’ve been eating all my life.  Big meals, you know.  This burger don’t present much of a challenge.”

McDarnagle appeared unfazed when told that the gigantic burger contained no actual food but was in fact made mostly of assorted foam products with a steel undercarriage.  “Here in America, looks are everything,” he stated philosophically.  “If it looks like a burger, it’ll taste like a burger.”

Plans to complete the burger despite the threats of its consumption are still going forward.  Armed guards and surveillance cameras have been added to the shop as a precaution against any kind of culinary assault led by McDarnagle and his cadre of gastronomic supporters.  Left beyond the scrutiny of security is the mural painting of gigantic French fries completed recently by Production Plus painter John Archer.  McDarnagle, apparently, is not interested.  “It’s just a painting,” he countered when asked about the giant fries.  “That’s a ridiculous question.  Besides, you know, I gotta watch out for fried foods on account of my cholesterol levels.”

This is not the first oversized Chicagoland fast food to be threatened by McDarnagle’s prodigious appetite.  The famous giant hotdog man and woman on the top of west side Chicago restaurant SuperDawg have been a target for McDarnagle in the past.  “We had to add the flashing red eyes to them to scare him off,” commented one longtime SuperDawg employee.  “He was tenacious.  It was like we were in a medieval castle, under siege, for a while.  McDarnagle and his gang of roustabouts were always charging the restaurant, with ladders and grappling hooks, trying to scale the roof and get to the hotdogs.  We had to fight them off with the hot oil from the deep fryers, just like in the old days when castle defenders would pour boiling oil off the ramparts onto the heads of their hapless enemies.”

McDarnagle says that Production Plus, and all other gigantic food makers, are asking for trouble by making these items.  “What do they expect?  People get hungry,” he snarled when asked for elaboration.  “It’s like that kid who made that baseball diamond in the middle of the corn field, you know? ‘If you build it, they will come.’  Same thing applies.  You make some big food, McDarnagle is gonna come knocking.”

Production Plus expects to be able to deliver their burger to their rather large client on time and untouched by unwanted eaters.  Look for updates on this story in next April’s issue of Solutions By Design.

For the full scoop on this magnificent meat model, please see our May issue of Solutions By Design. We promise a more in-depth look at the process and the product itself.